We’re having sex. We could get stabbed and not notice for hours. We’re not going to notice your hairy legs.
1. Whether or not your vagina smells like a field of fresh lilies. If your vagina literally smells like a field full of flowers, that might be a cause for concern. But a vagina is supposed to smell like a vagina. Plus, it’s not like Yankee Candle is ever going to put out a “Balls” scent, so we’re pretty much even. Most guys either actively like the way you smell down there or are pretty neutral on the whole thing.
2. Whether or not you’re hairless like a sex dolphin. Unless you suffer from hypertrichosis, skipping out on shaving for a few days isn’t going to be a deal-breaker. Considering most guys would put their lives on the line for the opportunity to bang, getting a pube in our mouth is a pretty tame risk to take. Also “sex dolphins” aren’t actually a thing. Don’t Google that.
3. How wet (or not wet) you are. There’s no such thing as too wet. There also is such a thing as lube. Neither of these things are issues.
4. Any sounds your vagina may make during intercourse. Weird sex noises are totally normal and the only way they’re horrible is when you stop mid-coitus to be like, “Oh, man. That was gross.” No, it wasn’t. What’s gross is having sex one moment and then not having sex the next just because apparently you never shoved your hand in a tube of Gak growing up. This is what happens when you shove something into something tight and wet. Air escapes violently.
5. If you’re too loud or not loud enough. As long as you’re not grabbing us by the head and screaming into our ear loud enough to burst our eardrums, it’s all good. Unless we have neighbors. And if you’re the kind of woman who gets really quiet right before they orgasm, that’s OK too. No guy needs you to repeat, “I’m having a great time at sex” over and over until they finish.
6. Your heaving bosom. You’re going to bounce everywhere during sex or we’re not doing our job right, dammit. Also, jiggling is awesome. No need to feel self-conscious about it. To that point though, definitely grab your breasts and make a hand bra if (1) it hurts you or (2) you just want to play with them, because that’s awesome, too.
7. That you have a butthole. Everyone has a butthole. Even starfish have buttholes and they don’t have anything. Stop being so weird about it.
8. Whatever weird sex face you think you’re making. We probably think it’s hot. Also, it’s tough to pay attention because we’re too busy making weird sex faces.
9. Whether or not your hair is up. Believe it or not, when we’re busy thinking, “Oh boy, I’m having sex,” we don’t have time to think about dumb things like whether or not you washed your hair. There’s no need to whip out 19 bobby pins and start styling your hair while you ride us. Just let it fall in front of your face and hit us in the eye. We don’t care. We’re having sex.
10. How long it takes you to come. As long as our legs aren’t cramping up after 30 minutes of pumping away, don’t worry about how long it takes you to get there. The only thing that makes us feel more manly than making a woman come is hammering swords shirtless in our iron forge and most of us don’t have those anyway so it’s pretty much just this.
11. Giving us pointers. If something doesn’t feel right, or you need us to speed up or slow down, say something. No guy is going to complain about a little constructive criticism. Just don’t bark orders. There’s a difference between moaning, “Fuck me slower,” and saying, “To the left, you idiot.”
12. If you don’t always feel like giving us a blowjay. Oral sex is great, but sometimes you want to skip the mozzarella sticks and go straight to the burger (if it wasn’t clear in my greasy diner food metaphor, the burger is the sex and the sticks are the foreplay. Foreplay is like mozzarella sticks. The more you think about it, the more apt it is). It’s OK to say no a blow job sometimes. We get it.